Reality Monday Recap

First things first. The Bachelor.  It wasn't as exciting as the first episode, because a lot of the crazies are gone. BUT, never fear.  I am sure Sean (well really ABC) will make sure they receive roses till almost the end for ratings purposes.  

Sean first goes on a one-on-one with Sarah.  If you heard it once, you heard it a THOUSAND times, she has one arm.  The thing is, I think she's probably a really sweet girl and she's definitely pretty.  So WHY play the disability card? It's not the only thing going for you. Let some ugly, fat, mean girl play that card.  Also...do you think ABC made Sean give her the first date because she has one arm? I got numerous texts that said, "Of course the one armed girl gets the the first one-on-one." We started counting how many times she mentioned it and drank wine every time it was talked about. Needless to say, I am writing this with a headache.  

Next, Sean heads on a huge group date with like 13 girls.  They all compete on a photo shoot for a romance novel cover.  The only highlights are the Ford model who mentions how shes a model 9472847242849 times and soooooooo excited for the shoot.  These girls need to learn the definition of repetitive. Then, Lesley M. steals the whole show and all the girls just sit and watch.  It was amazing.  She's a cowgirl and he's a cowboy. They are shooting with a horse. It's a match made in Texas.  Lesley gets a great makeout session on camera and he's really into her.  Plus, she's funny, normal, classy, pretty, and thus far NOT crazy.  She doesn't talk about a default body part or the fact that she's a model every second.  She's a crowd pleaser.  Also should mention she's a Georgia Chi O. The funniest tweet I saw last night must have been when UGAChiOmega tweeted, "Can we have Lesley speak at Founder's Day this year? #teamlesley".  

One of the several black girls asked Sean what his type is.  He gives you a very typical answer. "I'm into everything, I don't have a type." He also mentions his last girlfriend was black.  Ummm did Emily pull a Michael Jackson? I don't think she's black.  But maybe I am blind? Too much disability talk.  

The rose ceremony comes and goes...no one of importance leaves, obviously.  Too early for that.  

Now let's get to RHOBH.  Honestly, the Bachelor is sorta taking over my Monday night and I am loosing interest in RHOBH.  It's just getting a bit repetitive and I'm kinda over it.  Last night's episode included Brandi crying over her ex-husband sleeping with the Sur waitress (again).  It's sad Brandi, but get off the camera talking about it.  See a shrink and get on meds, don't drink Rosé with Lisa all day while the cameras capture you being very desperate.  

YOlanda for sure needs a lemonade stand.  It can be an organic lemonade stand! Girl, what the HECK are you going to do with all those freaking lemons?  Oh yeah, probably go on this "Master Cleanse" you keep talking about.  Sounds absolutely delicious.  I think I'll get take out from Mi Cocina and call it a cleanse too.

Kim's being sketchy.  HOW is she still a housewife? It boggles my mind.  At this point, I could be a RHOBH housewife.  You don't have to be married, have any money or have a big house or anything.  Now the "lifecoach" is over.  Oh lord.  I don't think he's a professional.  Kim needs professional advice. Also maybe a dietician, she's looking a bit chunky.  

Ken gives Lisa a swing.  It's gaudy and pink just like her.  He also plants flowers in the shape of a heart and gets a chair and umbrella for Jiggy.  Ain't that great?

The big drama this episode is that Adrienne and Paul are suing Brandi for talking sh*t.  No freaking way.  I'm glad I didn't know you could do this back in 6th grade or else they would have been serving papers at TVS all the time.  

All the housewives and husbands go to dinner at some place where you sit on the floor and belly dancers ruin your meal by rolling their bellies.  Is that appetizing? Kim cries to Kyle over her battle with alcoholism.  Camille and Brandi talk about how their husbands cheated on them with younger, hotter versions of themselves.  The new norm.  They are all moving on and leaving the past behind.  We've heard that before.  Then, Mauricio and Ken start arguing over Brandi's troubles. What a clown show.  #GetBrandiOFFtheshow

Until next Monday...
XOXO
Little Miss Wade 

WOW: Monday Recap!

Oh my gah- there was so much going on last night!

First and foremost- The Bachelor season premiere.  
Second- where my loyalty truly lies- the return of RHOBH.  
Also, I think there was a serious football game going on, but anyone who watched that knows that Sean got more action than the fightin' irish. #SECdomination

Sean is a total babe. I can say it once, I can say it again, and you know what? I can probably say it a few more times.  He's also from Texas (Dallas to be exact) which scores you big points in my book.  And he's in the insurance business (I was an insurance major in college...#random) so we have a lot in common.  Also, he loves Matitos and ate dinner there Saturday night. I ate lunch there Saturday and was apparently just a few hours too early to the party.

This season started off as per usual. The girls are truly crazy this season.  Apparently LA had a mass escape from the psych ward.  My friend, Reality Steve, predicts Catherine to win.  She's definitely not the prettiest, the craziest, the most fashionable, or the most unique in any way, shape or form.  But if Sean loves her, go Catherine (hope you're relationship lasts longer than Emily and Jef's)! If you're into spoilers and behind the scenes info- check out Reality Steve's website.  I can't help but read everything he writes and tweets, because I do love me some Bachelor gossip.  Also, it's kinda fun to watch the season knowing when the train-wrecks about to happen. 

Last night's highlights include the crazy girl in the wedding dress (she can blame one of the producers for her never-ending horrible reputation), the cray cray girl trying to reenact 50 Shades of Grey, a girl so drunk she fell down stairs, and the fact that Sean gave out like 20 first impression roses.  Ummm Sean? I don't know what kinda drugs ABC gives you- but first impressions happen ONCE, not twenty times...

Also- I should mention that Sean Lowe himself tweeted last night, "The smell of spray tan was strong that evening..." Sean, I should let you know that Africa called and could smell their spray tans too.  

After a rather crazy crazy crazy Bachelor premiere I switched gears to RHOBH.  I was confused when my DVR recorded it for 2 hours.  After an hour of not-that-exciting-drama, suddenly Vanderplump Rules just popped on my TV- after a very small introduction. Like they were trying to suck me into watching that DUMB show.  Well, sorry Bravo, I caught on.  I don't give a shiz about some dumb Beverly Hills restaurant called SUR where mediocre people call themselves models and Swedish princesses and work as waiters.  

RHOBH is even loosing my interest.  Look, Brandi is broke and heartbroken.  I can't think of a worse combination.  It was actually very sad to watch her confront one of her husband's mistresses.  Would I have done that via national television? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no.

YOlanda, girl, you just keep livin the good life.  You cook your hubby dinner and make him real happy.  You wear that Hermés belt to clean the horses stables and tell your daughter to be a model instead of play volleyball.  I'll be welding your Mother-of-the-Year Metal shortly. 

At this point Kyle is just trying to stir up un-necessary, un-exciting, stupid drama.  Don't invite Faye to dinner to stir a pot that is already boiling over.  We are bored of Brandi's stupid drama.  Also why is Lisa taking her side and being her BFF? And why does Lisa have THE WORST outfits??? Give up the pants with a button down shirt and a belt look!

Kim was MIA from this episode.  I think she might still be in Vegas celebrating her sons 21st birthday. 

Adrienne and Paul are starting a skincare line? Why would they waste their time? Everyone knows La Mer is the best of the best and there's no such thing as competition.  Maybe this is why they got a divorce?

Now, I think we should talk about something very important.  What happened to Taylor is awful.  I was terribly disappointed when I heard the news of Russell.  It's all much more complicated when you have kids and I feel very very very sad for her.  

However, I do believe she needs a MUCH better lawyer.  I am sorry but now her husband is dead and she has to give up a 10 carat wedding ring and TWO Hermés Birkins.  WHAT THE HECK!?! I mean that just isn't fair. Give the housewife a break.  You can take her man.  You can take the house.  But you cannot take a Birkin.  

Until next time reality TV rats!
XOXO
Little Miss Wade

What The Beverly Hills Housewives Want For Christmas

After watching last nights' train-wreck of an episode I talked to good ole St. Nick and discussed what each of the housewives want/what they are getting for Christmas.

Brandi 
WANTS: money, a husband, a book deal and to ruin every RHOBH's life
NEEDS: a one-way ticket to Syria

Lisa 
WANTS: to trademark the word "darling" in an obnoxious british accent (HOW many times did she say that in last night's episode?!?)

NEEDS: a stylist 

Kim 
WANTS: to act like a middle school girl.  You must have just forgotten to invite your sister to Vegas! 

NEEDS: a rubberband to put her hair up while she does Pilates 

Kyle 
WANTS: to host dinner parties and serve a 4 course meal with drama as the main course

NEEDS: to stop using her pointer finger in middle aged women's faces 

Yolanda 
WANTS: a hotter body (I feel like this is kinda selfish- share the love!) 

NEEDS: to disassociate herself with this show before she gets a terrible reputation

Taylor 
WANTS: to be a wall-flower

NEEDS: to be a wall-flower

Adrienne 

WANTS: a lawsuit against every person that utters her name 

NEEDS: to stop throwing rocks when she lives in a glass house #divorce

Looks like Santa has a lot to work to do!

XOXO

Little Miss Wade

WHAT IS THE BIG SECRET? RHOBH Recap

The "big secret" that Brandi took it upon herself to divulge to the housewives is a mystery to everyone, including yours truly.  At first it was so obvious to me, the big D (divorce that is).  But, once they started mentioning the family and kids a bunch of times, I don't believe that's what it is.  I heard rumors that is has something to do with Adrienne using a surrogate with her kids or something, but that's not a big deal, Camille did it too.  Click on over to WetPaint to see what they have to say.  

Some other highlights and thoughts from the last two episodes:

• I actually cringe at the thought or sight of Brandi.  Why is she so terrible? SO tragically trashy.
• Are these girls ever embarrassed out in public?  When the f bomb is flying and everyone's screaming at the top of their lungs at some high end restaurant in Ojai, I get second hand embarrassment from my own living room.
• Brandi: I don't think anyone on the show is kidding you so you can stop asking that question. 
• When Taylor said, "I kinda think that Kim went from one degree of wacky to another degree of wacky" the whole world realized that was the smartest statement to ever come out of her mouth.
• YOlanda talking about the baby lamb cells injected into her body completely grossed me out. #whattheheckdotheydoinLA
• The dress that Adrienne wears to her little cookout looks like bad trashy Fredericks of Hollywood lingerie.  The makeup, those silver hoops, the lipstick, it's all reason enough for Paul to divorce her.
• Paul's back doesn't need a weed wacker, it needs a riding lawnmower.  It is the hairiest, most disgusting thing I've ever seen.  I'd never let a plastic surgeon who wasn't a total babe give me botox. Just sayin'.
• Dimitri (Camille's boyfriend) got a perm.  A bad perm.  
• Darin (Brandi's date) looks like a used car salesman.  Cheesy. Cheesy. Cheesy.  
• Lisa actually cares about her husband, Ken, which is cute.  Adrienne could have taken a lesson from her.  Looks like she's a day late and a buck short.  (Well probably now a lot of bucks short.)

Until next (dramatic) Monday night...

XOXO

Little Miss Wade

RHOBH Episode 4: RECAP!

We have a lot to get to today, so bullet form it is. Pay attention, this episode was good! 

1. Adrienne and Lisa drama is like as old as Goldilocks and the three bears.  I'm so over it. 

2. Kim has a small heart tattoo on her back, that just made me like her even less (if that was possible). #trashy

3.  YOlanda is suddenly the center of attention- I am not even sure how I feel about this.  Why does she do her own laundry? BTW what the heck is her son's name? Anwar??????

4. Brandi is now writing a book. EW. who is going to read that? No one wants to hear how she's "slept with half of Beverly Hills."  Be a little classier. IS that possible for you?  You could even take advice from Kim... 

5. Alexis (Kyle's daughter) failed her permit test 2 times, one more and you are tied with me, sweetheart.

6. Brandi is now a model? She looks scary.  I think its her stunt double, not actually her.  She needs money? How is she a HOUSEWIFE? Looks like she needs to be on the new CBS show, "Two Broke Girls."

7. Girls trip- this screams the kinda drama I like- Ojai, California: here the witches come!  

8. Every episode where Camille makes an appearance makes me happy. She hasn't been dealt the best hand in the deck of cards and she's way better off than the rest of the loonies in the looney bin. 

9.  5 bedrooms in Ojai- you think that they just told them they were going to have to stay in tents outside the castle.  Share a bed, you spoiled brats. 

10. Kim is seeming more sober in this episode- which is good for her, but boring for us. 

11. I'm not even sure what happened in the last like 30 seconds of the episode but I DO know that Brandi has a major potty mouth and my Mom would have washed her mouth out with soap the instant that little f bomb dropped from her lips.  

XOXO
Little Miss Wade

Dear Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,

No one watches your show because they enjoy watching a 15 year old learn how to drive and the lamest dinner party I've ever seen.  I taught myself how to drive and ended up right in a pole in my driveway. I'm beginning to think I am more entertaining than y'all.  I'm expecting some good drama this season or else I am going to loose interest quicker than Kim can check herself out of rehab.

Now onto the recap...

Watching Kim on RHOBH is like the worst second-hand embarrassment I've ever had.  You're daughter is going to prom, why are you making chicken salad? No 18 year old girl on the way to prom is craving chicken salad and cupcakes.  She's craving Smirnoff Ice and a diet cherry limeade (from Sonic) spiked with vodka.

YOlanda (that's not a typo, I really feel like it should have the emphasis on the YO) truly has a gorgeous house overlooking Malibu.  However, if I hear how she designed and built the entire house again, I will take back my statement.  Judging by how much help you have at your dinner parties, I can hardly believe you lifted a finger on the production of your billion dollar house in LA.

If there was one thing that really stuck out of this episode, it was a quote by YOlanda, "Theres nothing uglier than a drunk woman."  This chick clearly didn't go to college.  I would have been seriously chugging that wine (Taylor style) if I would have been at the dinner party that was centered around her husbands piano perfomance.  GAG ME.  Also could you be anymore flashy about your husbands's Grammys?

As per usual Lisa is ignoring someone and thinking that she is better than everyone else.  Adrienne and Paul are still together on the show but divorced in real life.  When does this drama hit the show?  I bet soon, after this lame week, because Bravo will need the ratings.   Kyle tries to teach her 15 year how to parallel park in her new Porsche, which seems normal in Beverly Hills.  I learned in Sears Driving School in like a 1995 Toyota Camry (post-pole incident). 

I hope the drama starts rolling soon...this episode was pretty LAME and reminded me more of dinner time at a retirement community.  

Love,
(A very disappointed yet dedicated RHOBH fan)
Little Miss Wade

Thoughts on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (RHOBH)

Okay- let's talk RHOBH.

Last week I went to my BFF Natalie's, aka The Investment Boenker, house for dinner and to watch the premiere.  She made some fab tacos and a great salad.  Last night I watched on TIVO after a yummy dinner with my BFF Christal.  I do love to wine and dine.  

If you don't watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills you are missing out on some serious trashy TV entertainment. After the premiere last week, Natalie and I were both a little disappointed.  For one, Camille isn't on the show this season.  She's hot and brings a lot to the table, even if it is her Kelsey Grammer divorce drama.  But, we have faith in our favorite housewives and know they will continue to amaze us with their $25,000 sunglasses, rehab stunts, and plastic surgery parties.  I'm going to go over the first two episodes, because I know you are dying to know my thoughts.

First, let's go over their new tag-lines for the season (and my commentary on each) because it pretty much sums up them up:

Kyle: "I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills; this is my town."
How does that new Maserati drive? I personally thought you should have gotten a Porsche since you named your daughter Porscha.  

Yolanda: "I like to have fun but I don't play games."
You're a foreign model married to a rich guy in Hollywood...you definitely play games.  

Adrienne: "Know your friends, show your enemies the door."
Did your husband show your enemies to the door? Or is that why you got a divorce?

Lisa: "Life isn't all diamonds and rosé but it should be."
All I have to say is: Amen.

Taylor: "I fought too hard for this zip-code to go home now."
You, my friend, seriously need a cheeseburger before you break in half.  

Kim: "Life is a journey and I'm finding myself everyday."
Honey, that is what everyone who goes to rehab says. Be original. 

Brandi: "Money doesn't give you class, it just gives you money."
And Brandi with an "i", you are living proof.  

Additional thoughts:

• Is Kim really sober?  She's definitely not acting like it.  My dad's golfing buddy used to date her, I have to get the deets.  
• Lisa's new house is very modern and cool.  I love it.  Especially because that other thing was so gaudy.  (Almost as gaudy as her pepto-bismal pink Birkin.)
• I feel like we are constantly celebrating something at Villa Blanca.  Will you please go to another venue? You live in Beverly Hills for God's sake.
• The second episode was practically all about Porscha's birthday party and it looked more like the TX State Fair than a children's birthday party in the 90210.  

What did you think of the madness?

XOXO
Little Miss Wade